I don't fucking understand. They said they care. But I was at home lying on my bed with no food, they didn't even come up and check up on me. Or atleast send someone to check up on me. But when I wanna go to World Stage, they said they care cuz I'm sick and they don't want me to get worse. WHATEVER. This is fucking unfair.

Secret

People are so fucked up. They are always looking for something to talk about. And those people yg commment comment tuh tak sedar diri ker? I've got dirts on ALL OF YOU.

I know one of you are sleeping around. Mentang mentang la she's not here and the boyfriend is in Malaysia, selamba la kan. So who's the bitch now?

I know one a lot of stories about one of you whose sex life dah jadi bahan for people at your workplace to talk about.

One of you has a bestfriend who cannot be trusted. All your secrets are out.

And to one of you, jangan kecoh sangat. Your boyfriend has been cheating on you A LOT. Go jaga your boyfriend la better daripada jaga tepi kain orang.



Come on la, people makes mistakes. You don't choose who you fall for. Nobody's perfect. But no one sebok enough to go and spill everything that you did right?

How Do I Breathe

Amir is sick today. I'm so worried and in a way I feel so damn useless cuz I can't be there for him. Sigh, I hope he will get well soon. Tak sanggup tengok dia sakit mcm nie.

And I'm sick too! I think jangkit with him kot. So funny~ But my condition is not as teruk as his la. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I hate feeling useless.

Me Against The World

It's so damn hard living like this. I have to avoid my parents and all. Susahkan my elder sister buka pintu in the middle of the night. I have to wait for my parents to sleep first in order to get into the house. So tiring, I wish I could change the way things are right now. I really don't know how to. I know people would say "just talk to your parents, explain how things are and everything", but will they accept it? I hate rejections.

I love my sister to death for doing all this things for me. I know it's not easy, but my parents are asking her to take care of me now cuz they don't know what to do with me anymore. Am I that bad? Maybe I am. Sigh, it's so hard to lower down my ego when it comes to these kinda things. But whatever it is, I really appreciate what my sister is doing for me. She's been very patient with me, trying not to scream or yell at me. Right now I'm really trying to be on her good side. I don't go home late anymore (fine, it's still late but I'm making progress!). It's not that I want to go back late, it's just that I reeeeally don't wanna bump into my parents. I don't think I can handle the whole marah/maki just yet. I don't feel like going home late anymore since Amir is not the kinda guy who goes back late. And I'm so thankful becuz in a way it keeps me in line. Hey, you can't expect me to change just like that right. But I know that I'm making progress. Sila bersabar :D

Speaking of Amir, we're officially together! Hahaha it feels weird being someone's girlfriend now, but in a good way, of course! Hehehe told the girls via Facebook just now, hahaha senang. But yea, whatever it is atleast there's one good thing that is happening to me now, yeay!

Got interview tomorrow. Will tell the details bila dah dapat kerja. Weeeeee!

Wake Me Up When Everything Is Okay

People always say that life is hard. Well, I belive that people tend to make it hard. But then again, life is not supposed to be easy, right? We can't always be on top, we have to be at the bottom once in a while. I think. Am I making any sense? I guess not.

I think i'm the worst person ever. I'm the worst daughter ever. I'm the worst girlfriend ever. As a friend, I'm not so sure. Hahahaha. I feel like I have nothing now. Everything has officially fallen out of places. I wanna try to fix things, but I really don't know where to start.

I feel so embarrassed whenever I hang out with my friends, especially when they start talking about studies. Most of them are already graduating and the others are halfway there. Me? I'm not doing anything at the moment. I don't have a job, I don't have money. I don't have education. Basically I'm nothing. Just a girl who goes out with her friends and pretend like nothing is wrong. Well, a lot of things happened in the past few weeks, and I'm not so sure whether or not I'm strong enough to go through it.

I'm not in talking terms with my parents. But seriously, I don't blame them. I have been a very terrible daughter to them. I go out all the time and come back like really late. I failed 2 papers for SPM because I was so playful back in high school. I don't have any qualifications. So basically I'm the black sheep of the family, always embarrassing my parents. Orang melayu kata "menconteng arang di muka keluarga" (i learned that phrase from my mom, hahaha). Whenever I tried to change, I get distracted. With boyfriends, friends, hang out or whatever. Yes, I have my goals but somehow maybe I'm not trying hard enough to reach it.

I wanna change. But I don't know what to do and where to start. I guess my ego is too big, that I don't wanna receive help from other people. I don't want people to know that my life is so screwed up. Seriously I really wanna know what to do right now, but I don't think anyone can help me. People who don't really know me and my family always ask me to do things that I can't do. It's not that I don't want to, but I know the situation pretty well and I know how my parents are. I can't ask help from my parents because I know they can't help me, not because they don't want to.

Sometimes I'm jealous of my friends who have good relationship with their parents. It sucks knowing that I don't have that with mine. A friend of mine who just got an iPhone from her dad, she went to him, hugged him and kissed him. I have never done that to my dad. We all don't do that with each other. It's kinda upsetting, but my elder sister always told me not to compare my family with other people's family. So yea, I guess I've learned to accept the fact that my family are not like that. But it still upsets me sometimes.

Being in a relationship with someone is hard. For me it is. Because I don't have anything to offer. I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. Yea, it's easy for people to ask me to change, but yea.. The question now is HOW? I think I kinda know how but I just don't wanna do it because it will take a very long time but yea.. I don't know. UGH. Some people only want a relationship for now. But I want one that will last. I wanna be with someone who are willing to go through shit with me because right now I'm in deep shit, obviously la kan. But yea, I don't think anyone would wanna be with someone like me. Maybe there is, but they won't stick. Maybe I am destined to be alone.. *emo mode ON*

Yea I just feel like letting things out. These aren't everything. There's still more but I'm too lazy to type now.

A Very Productive Day

Today was a very 'productive' day. I woke up at 630pm, showered at 730pm and studied while waiting for Amir to call me. Tapi sbb lama sangat tunggu, I had to call him but he didn't answer. Thanks ah. Hahahaha. Now we're on Skype but he's missing. Tatau mana dia pergi. But it's okay yaw, atleast I can do this! Boleh type what's going on in my head. Obviously I can't write all right cuz some of them are only for me to know, hehehehe..

A lot happened for the past few days. I can't tell you what, but I can definitely say that my whole world has been torn apart. Right now I don't know what to do to fix things. It's gonna be hard for me from now on, need to work extra hard to get what I want. Let's just hope I'm strong enough to go thru all this.

Sometimes it's hard to read people. You think that you've done everything that you have to do, but it's still not enough. Sometimes you feel appreciated and sometimes you don't. You think you deserve more cuz you've given so much, but in the end you didn't really get what you expected. So weird man, life full of expectations is a bitch. So I've learned my lesson. Hahaha let's talk about it.

1. Don't expect anything from anyone. Just do what you think you have to do and that's it. If you expect and you don't get what you expected then it's gonna be so damn depressing.

2. Actions speak louder than words. Yeap.

3. Don't ever EVER try to read someone. They might turn out to be someone who you can't ever ever imagine.

4. Appearance is somehow very important.

5. Work extra hard to get what you want and hope that it's all gonna be worth it.

I think that's all for now. I wanna sing alone in my room now.

Insomnia

Ceyh, insomnia la sangat kan. Hahahaha anyways, it's 0103 and I still couldn't sleep. Been trying to sleep for the past hour, but failed to suceed. So I decided to switch on my laptop and do this. Ngeh!

I had a tiring day. Woke up at.. wait. I forgot how my day went. Woke up twice.. Woke Amir up.. twice kot. Hahahaha went to One U at 12 something, went for lunch at Old Asia.. Theeeeeeen.. Waited for him gie full body massage.. Then lepak Teh Tarik Place.. Then went to Delicious while waiting for Amir gie gym. Pastuh bad news he got called up but he's coming back tomorrow morning. Then went to Izyan's, lepak Rasta sampai nak gila.. Then went to play pool for an hour and went home. Gila la penat kot!

Homagah, Izyan was so funny kat Rasta. She made me laugh like hell! Sakit perut sampai orang kat meja sebelah asyik pandang pandang jer. But it was funny, man. I forgot what it was about. But I remember winking, semut dan shisha. Hahahahahahaha!

I think being happy is a very weird feeling for me. Haven't felt like this in the longest time. But so far so good :) Hopefully it will last long.

It may sound crazy, but I think I miss my Babat walaupun baru jumpa tadi and bakal berjumpa lagi tomorrow. Heeeeeeeee :)