How Do I Breathe

Amir is sick today. I'm so worried and in a way I feel so damn useless cuz I can't be there for him. Sigh, I hope he will get well soon. Tak sanggup tengok dia sakit mcm nie.

And I'm sick too! I think jangkit with him kot. So funny~ But my condition is not as teruk as his la. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I hate feeling useless.

Me Against The World

It's so damn hard living like this. I have to avoid my parents and all. Susahkan my elder sister buka pintu in the middle of the night. I have to wait for my parents to sleep first in order to get into the house. So tiring, I wish I could change the way things are right now. I really don't know how to. I know people would say "just talk to your parents, explain how things are and everything", but will they accept it? I hate rejections.

I love my sister to death for doing all this things for me. I know it's not easy, but my parents are asking her to take care of me now cuz they don't know what to do with me anymore. Am I that bad? Maybe I am. Sigh, it's so hard to lower down my ego when it comes to these kinda things. But whatever it is, I really appreciate what my sister is doing for me. She's been very patient with me, trying not to scream or yell at me. Right now I'm really trying to be on her good side. I don't go home late anymore (fine, it's still late but I'm making progress!). It's not that I want to go back late, it's just that I reeeeally don't wanna bump into my parents. I don't think I can handle the whole marah/maki just yet. I don't feel like going home late anymore since Amir is not the kinda guy who goes back late. And I'm so thankful becuz in a way it keeps me in line. Hey, you can't expect me to change just like that right. But I know that I'm making progress. Sila bersabar :D

Speaking of Amir, we're officially together! Hahaha it feels weird being someone's girlfriend now, but in a good way, of course! Hehehe told the girls via Facebook just now, hahaha senang. But yea, whatever it is atleast there's one good thing that is happening to me now, yeay!

Got interview tomorrow. Will tell the details bila dah dapat kerja. Weeeeee!

Wake Me Up When Everything Is Okay

People always say that life is hard. Well, I belive that people tend to make it hard. But then again, life is not supposed to be easy, right? We can't always be on top, we have to be at the bottom once in a while. I think. Am I making any sense? I guess not.

I think i'm the worst person ever. I'm the worst daughter ever. I'm the worst girlfriend ever. As a friend, I'm not so sure. Hahahaha. I feel like I have nothing now. Everything has officially fallen out of places. I wanna try to fix things, but I really don't know where to start.

I feel so embarrassed whenever I hang out with my friends, especially when they start talking about studies. Most of them are already graduating and the others are halfway there. Me? I'm not doing anything at the moment. I don't have a job, I don't have money. I don't have education. Basically I'm nothing. Just a girl who goes out with her friends and pretend like nothing is wrong. Well, a lot of things happened in the past few weeks, and I'm not so sure whether or not I'm strong enough to go through it.

I'm not in talking terms with my parents. But seriously, I don't blame them. I have been a very terrible daughter to them. I go out all the time and come back like really late. I failed 2 papers for SPM because I was so playful back in high school. I don't have any qualifications. So basically I'm the black sheep of the family, always embarrassing my parents. Orang melayu kata "menconteng arang di muka keluarga" (i learned that phrase from my mom, hahaha). Whenever I tried to change, I get distracted. With boyfriends, friends, hang out or whatever. Yes, I have my goals but somehow maybe I'm not trying hard enough to reach it.

I wanna change. But I don't know what to do and where to start. I guess my ego is too big, that I don't wanna receive help from other people. I don't want people to know that my life is so screwed up. Seriously I really wanna know what to do right now, but I don't think anyone can help me. People who don't really know me and my family always ask me to do things that I can't do. It's not that I don't want to, but I know the situation pretty well and I know how my parents are. I can't ask help from my parents because I know they can't help me, not because they don't want to.

Sometimes I'm jealous of my friends who have good relationship with their parents. It sucks knowing that I don't have that with mine. A friend of mine who just got an iPhone from her dad, she went to him, hugged him and kissed him. I have never done that to my dad. We all don't do that with each other. It's kinda upsetting, but my elder sister always told me not to compare my family with other people's family. So yea, I guess I've learned to accept the fact that my family are not like that. But it still upsets me sometimes.

Being in a relationship with someone is hard. For me it is. Because I don't have anything to offer. I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. Yea, it's easy for people to ask me to change, but yea.. The question now is HOW? I think I kinda know how but I just don't wanna do it because it will take a very long time but yea.. I don't know. UGH. Some people only want a relationship for now. But I want one that will last. I wanna be with someone who are willing to go through shit with me because right now I'm in deep shit, obviously la kan. But yea, I don't think anyone would wanna be with someone like me. Maybe there is, but they won't stick. Maybe I am destined to be alone.. *emo mode ON*

Yea I just feel like letting things out. These aren't everything. There's still more but I'm too lazy to type now.